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Some people believe I am some sort of creature rather than a man. Perhaps the best way to tell you who I am is through hearsay, what "Some say...":
"Some say that he thought Star Wars was a documentary, and that he recently pulled out of I'm A Celebrity because he is scared of trees... and Australia... and Koo Stark... and Ant... and Dec."
"Some say that his scrotum has its own small gravity field, and that because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name. All we know is, he's called cuddles."
"Some say he isn't machine washable, and all his potted plants are called Steve..."
"Some say that if you lick his chest, it tastes exactly the same as piccalilli, and that at this week's Brit awards, he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand..."
"Some say that he once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner, and that he is in no way implicated in the cash for honours scandal..."
"Some say he once threw a microwave oven at a tramp, and long before anyone else he realised that Jade Goody was a racist, pig-faced, waste of blood and organs."
"Some say he communicates only to a car's on board computer through binary code, and that he once killed a man who was towing a caravan, using only a steering wheel."
"Some say he sucks moisture out of ducks and he models his crash helmet on Britney Spears' head."
"Some say he appears on high-value stamps in Sweden, he's illegal in 17 U.S. states, and that his voice can only be heard by cats."
"Some say that his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground."
"Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his earwax tastes like Turkish Delight."
"Some say he was born in space, he's scared of bells, and confused by stairs."
"Some say his skin has the texture of a dolphin's, and that wherever you are in the world if you tune your radio to 88.4 you can actually hear his thoughts."
"Some say his fingernails have 330 bhp and that he was raised by wolves."
They always end in a sentence with: "All we know is, he's called The Stig".
"Some say that he thought Star Wars was a documentary, and that he recently pulled out of I'm A Celebrity because he is scared of trees... and Australia... and Koo Stark... and Ant... and Dec."
"Some say that his scrotum has its own small gravity field, and that because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name. All we know is, he's called cuddles."
"Some say he isn't machine washable, and all his potted plants are called Steve..."
"Some say that if you lick his chest, it tastes exactly the same as piccalilli, and that at this week's Brit awards, he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand..."
"Some say that he once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner, and that he is in no way implicated in the cash for honours scandal..."
"Some say he once threw a microwave oven at a tramp, and long before anyone else he realised that Jade Goody was a racist, pig-faced, waste of blood and organs."
"Some say he communicates only to a car's on board computer through binary code, and that he once killed a man who was towing a caravan, using only a steering wheel."
"Some say he sucks moisture out of ducks and he models his crash helmet on Britney Spears' head."
"Some say he appears on high-value stamps in Sweden, he's illegal in 17 U.S. states, and that his voice can only be heard by cats."
"Some say that his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground."
"Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his earwax tastes like Turkish Delight."
"Some say he was born in space, he's scared of bells, and confused by stairs."
"Some say his skin has the texture of a dolphin's, and that wherever you are in the world if you tune your radio to 88.4 you can actually hear his thoughts."
"Some say his fingernails have 330 bhp and that he was raised by wolves."
They always end in a sentence with: "All we know is, he's called The Stig".